Thank You to Our Donor

I tried to write you a letter once, near the end of my pregnancy. But, I couldn’t. There was nothing to say back then.

I didn't know you.
I didn't know me.
I wasn't a mother.

And you were a still life photo of a nine year old with freckles and impish eyes, much like mine. And I just didn’t know you.

Not the way I know you now. Sixteen months later. Four hundred and fifty days later. Four hundred and fifty days that have felt like lifetimes and seconds at the same time. Four hundred and fifty days of being a mother, of knowing the world and my place in it. Four hundred and fifty magical days of watching my son’s little bird chest rise and fall in his crib at night. Four hundred and fifty days of wonder and amazement that the universe chose me to receive this gift. Four hundred and fifty days of meeting you through the person growing before our very eyes.

But, I didn’t know any of those things when I was pregnant.

My mom, the mother of six adopted children, says that you will get the children who were meant to be yours. And we got ours. Our beautiful, perfect, boy. And we got him because of you.

People always say, “There are no words”. And there aren’t. There are no words, except thank you. The kind of thank you that I didn’t know existed when I was pregnant and had nothing to say. The kind of thank you that gets stuck in your throat and hurts because you mean it so much.

Everything that we presently have in our life, we have because of you. Because you made a choice. Gave a gift. A choice you made in a single day changed our lives forever. And whether you know it or not, you aren’t a stranger. Not to us. We thank you with every day, with every kiss, and every perfect moment that we have because of you have given it to us.

You said in your audio interview that you made this choice because someone you love was created in a similar manner. You wanted to give that to someone else. Back then, I thought that was kind and noble of you and I was grateful. But I just didn’t know what I know now. I didn’t know that you would be giving me the whole world and everything in it.

You are young. You are single and unattached. But, I am sure one day, you will have a baby. In that instant when you become a father, you will realize the magnitude of what you have given me. In that moment, when you become two lives where there was one, you will understand what I mean now.

California

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